Because You Can.

  You must be wondering what is the reason for people not to have consistency?

Yes, this is also my question to myself.

When I started to write on my blog, I was greedy enough to think that I can do everything everywhere all at once.  You got it right? 

Then my journey begins. I was in search of something bigger than me outside of me. I spend years thinking that if I study enough, research extensively and then do all I can then I will see what I want. Do you think so?

Every lesson that I took is painstakingly building up in many ways from Grammar to Metaphysic and then back to basic and I thought I have finally found the answer to what I want in life.

Let me share or in other words reshare my story with you.

I always feel that I am not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough or worst not clean enough. What is the reason for this? It is because at the age of around 8, I was sexually abused by a relative. He is a giant of a man, and I am just a tiny little girl without anyone protecting me. My parents have left for Singapore with my brother, and I am all alone with my nanny and her husband. Both of them treat me with so much care but what can they do because they need to take care of me. I do not know what the arrangement between my parents and them is. At a time where no ewallet or ebanking or any of the kind, money transfer can only happen when my parents come back. In my sea of memory, they never seem to be appearing during that few years. Girls they are to be seen and not to be heard. If anything went wrong, it is always the girl's fault. Do I know that it is?  Honestly, I really don't know what it is except that it is not the right thing to happen. Can I avoid it from happening? I really don't know the answer because at that age, nobody is there to support or educate me. I just grow like the wild grass. What is life? I guess living in a slump without knowledge of right or wrong, sleeping and having food is the only thing in one's mind. I am like that. I was relieved when he was caught by the police. Now, if I do not know what it is at least I know I have been living in fear of his touch and gruesome overbearing existence.

Who will listen to me. Who will understand this. Who is there for me to share this. It never happened except that I feel really dirty and unfit to be in anyone's life as a wife or as a mother. 

How I pull myself out of this? I am not really sure, but I know my life can be better. Therefore, I make a vow to myself that by the age of 18 years old, I will never ever take anything from my parents. Do they know it? I only told my mom recently. Do I blame them? YES. I used to blame them for many years, but I keep being the filial piety daughter because I thought that if I can give them everything they wanted, I will have more love. Do you know what, I was wrong. Love does not come from outside. Love has to start from inside. 

Then I started to build my own life around love. The love of knowing what happened already happened. My parents, like most parents do everything they can with the resources that they have for their family. Forgiveness is also something I learn to do. I forgive myself for not knowing what people think I should know. For not realizing life is full of challenges. For bashing myself up to get recognition and for many more of other things that happened. 

I am glad that I realized it now and life begin to bring more meaning to me and my family. I want to reach out to people who are in their doubts about what is life. I want to reach out to people who believe they can. I want to see that each one have a chance to do something for themselves before they give up. 

Be the BRAVE one. Take action and love yourself. There is always a choice in everything.

Good luck

posted on 14Mar 2023 1505hrs